how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
