nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
