K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Houston, we have a squirter
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
