I like to think it a success when the cops are called
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
I did not marry a roomba.
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