Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
