Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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