i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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