I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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