Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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