So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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