My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize