im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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