WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
