just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
