we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
