Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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