After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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