Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
