I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
