It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
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