I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Randomize
