weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
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