She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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