I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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