New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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