How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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