She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
and she was petting her beer can
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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