Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
