saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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