soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
