You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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