I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
