I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
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