Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I wish life had little blips of pornography
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I'm told I threw my cigarettes at the TV one by one Shouting about the cast of Community.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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