I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
being pregnant is like rehab
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Randomize
