I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
