He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
