highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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