I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
And then my night got REAL pukey
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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