we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
