So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
