I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
