I can tuck mytits in my pants
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
