I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Randomize