I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
