Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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