I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
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