This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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