Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
