When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
