Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
