with your own penis?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
