I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
