Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Randomize
